Wingless Wonders - The Return of Ralph Coates

The Return of Ralph Coates
What else can be said about this little known (outside the beat elite and hepcats of indie land), but hugely influential, combo of northern types who formed in the West Midlands in 1986.
Although short lived, this band caused quite a considerable stir in their year long existence. After one outrageously thrashy gig, I took the bus home along with many other Ralphites and Ralphettes who had been quite simply blown away be the sheer intensity of noise produced by the band. One punter remarked ‘they sound like a cross between The Housemartins and The Sex Pistols.’ This might not give you the whole story of the Ralphsters but it does give a good indication as to the split personality of their sound. On the one hand they displayed the deftness of touch and quick turn of phrase more commonly associated with the cream of the burgeoning C86/shambling scene such as The Brilliant Corners as well as seasoned music intelligentsia such as The Jazz Butcher or The Monochrome Set. They could never keep their punk rock instincts totally in check however and would often explode mid song into a white noise thrall of feedback so intense that it could quite literally backcomb your Bobby Gillespie moptop into a Morrissey quiff at 30 paces!
Surfing the cultural zeitgeist of the day were Paul Drew, Darren McKillop, Paul Heathcote, Howard Crossley and the mysterious guitarist known only as ‘Clive.’ I was lucky enough to witness their first gig at a Walsall College talent night. The usual crap that these events through up (Queen covers bands, stand up ‘comedians’ etc) were going through the motions to polite applause. THEN……..The Return of Ralph Coates took to the stage and literally blew the place apart. The language was colourful from the off as the band took on all comers with an exuberant heavily percussioned noise. Mr Drew prowled the stage in his anorak and marraccas spitting out invective showing the type of stage presence that would later be copied by Bez from The Happy Mondays. McKillop, all drunk arrogance and pose, kept up a machine gun rat a tat tat vocal assault. Mr Crossly dropped the beats (and his pint), underpinning the chaos around him to a voodoo rhythm. Baseball capped PH, looking like an extra from a Big Audio Dynamite video prowled around the stage delivering short, sharp social observations that linked beautifully with McKillops’ deranged Mark E Smith style streams of consciousness. Then there was the guitarist, Clive. He stood alone at the back of the stage shooting out pure white noise that the Jesus & Mary Chain could only dream of, and yet…..he never quite looked like he was part of the rest of the group. Even on the gig posters his photograph appeared separate to the rest of the band. As Ralph’s stock began to rise, this difference would become all too tragically apparent.
These boys meant it, that was what stood them apart from your run of the mill bands. That first gig ended in near anarchy. They came off to a mixed reception from the student squares in attendance, many of them running off back to their Tanita Takarim and U2 records in terror. Following the Ralphmeisters on to the stage was some appalling long hair rock band. Halfway through an interminable guitar solo the curtains at the side of the stage began to rustle….suddenly PH burst onto the stage grabbed the nearest microphone and told the audience exactly what the band thought of this rock crap. There followed an off stage altercation with the security staff and the band had to collect their gear and make a very speedy exit out into the night. Nobody there that night will ever forget their first encounter with The Return of Ralph Coates.
Sadly, this genius could not last. Another gig followed in Walsall but the signs were already on the wall….and then, the bombshell! Ralph had split. Clive the guitarist had been found in possession of a Rush record and dodgy haircut and was unceremoniously sacked, the band then drifted apart. There are live tapes available of the band and, should you come across one, make sure you pay whatever you have to get it. You will never, ever have heard anything quite like it. Mr McKillop relocated to the North East and formed ‘Where’s George Berrys’ Wife’ who gigged for a couple of years before splitting. Mr Drew returned to Manchester and was last heard of trying to reform Big Flame. PH moved to Hull and formed the post industrial noise outfit ‘Offshore Steel Boat’ before reverting to jangle pop with the highly acclaimed 'quirk-core' outfit ‘The Umbrellas.’ The whereabouts of the others is unknown.